I just don't want to go.

I don't admit this much, but I really don't want to go to our homeschool co-op anymore.  I feel its grown in a direction that we're not going in.  Kelly is almost a junior now and the place is overrun with kids ages 11 and under.  We have a good size teen group for such a small community, but it's just not people she feels connected to.  Her friends have moved on and as she gets older, she's making different friends and would rather be with them.  She's not wanting to go, which just allows my thoughts to overtake me.   My "I have to do this" auto-pilot shut off on me when she told me she didn't care to go.

I really wish I felt more connected with the moms, they're great group of ladies.  But they talk about their young children every week.  And I admit I did too and loved it, so I know where they're coming from.   But my kids have mastered the skills of using the toilet and not throwing plastic cups at my head when they're mad.  Well, most of the time.

I know I can help them if their kids are on the path into high school or going to college, but I want friendship too.  I miss getting together so the kids could play while we could talk.   Now when a friend and I are talking, the kids are running everywhere being loud, being kids.  And forget getting together for coffee or lunch because most of the homeschool ladies I've chosen as good friends wouldn't leave their kids at home for a minute.   Which again, I understand!  I've been that person.  Now that life has quieted down with Sarah gone to college and Kelly doing more grown up activities, the chaos and noise level has disappeared.

I'm truly not complaining, even though it sounds it.  I'm not laying blame on others.  I really do love the people of the group.  I love the chaos.  I love the kids.  But I think I'm ready to do something else because I feel like I'm at a standstill.  My hearts not in this anymore.