I am the problem.
For so long, I've blamed my weight on so many other things.
- the price of good food was to costly
- everyone pushes it on me
- good food tastes bad
- if I wasn't so fat, I would have got the job
- there must be something wrong with my thyroid (there hasn't been)
- I don't want to drive 8 miles to walk on a sidewalk
- our treadmill isn't working right, I can't use it
- no one else in our house will eat healthier
- I'm still hungry (after eating a footlong subway sandwich & chips)
- it's almost habitual
A writer by the name of G.K. Chesterton was asked by the London Times to contribute to an essay on "What Is the Problem in the Universe?" His reply, "I am. Sincerely, G.K. Chesterton."
As I was reading today, it really did make sense... for so long I've made up excuses to eat poorly and exercise not. And I put a lot of time and energy into doing it! But it's not in my heart... it's not what I want to do. It's been a lie. I feel like that's all my heart has become... a lie. And the mouth speaks what the heart feels... right?
I don't want to lie about food. I don't want to lie about the reasons I eat. I don't want to be an enabler of myself. I need help. I need to be honest.
Let me share what I did today... it's almost habitual. --- I don't know if that excuse is a lie or not... I'm thinking about it. We went to Subway for lunch. I ordered footlong sandwich. I know that 1/2 of that would have been enough, but I've always ordered it. And I figured I just wouldn't eat dinner... and it's Sunday... and we don't go to Subway often...and I'm hungry... So yeah, "I'll have a footlong chicken terriyaki please." As I said it, I felt guilty. I didn't want it, but I ordered it. I lied... I lied in my head to myself and lied to the cook. I didn't even want it. But was it habitual... I've always ordered a footlong. Is it ingrained or is that just another lie for when I screw up? "Oh Kathie, don't beat yourself up too hard," I say to myself, "old habits are hard to break."
So here it is...5 hours later and I am hungry now. Ain't no lie to that. And I'm arguing inside my head... eat or don't...eat or don't... I AM THE PROBLEM TO THE UNIVERSE. It's food for crying out loud. You don't have to eat another foot long but if you want something small, go get something small. Just make sure it's what you need.
BINGO... what I need. I need God's help with this internal struggle. I need His help with the despair I feel. I need His help to end the defensive lies and ridiculous rationalizations. I need Him to heal me... and I need to surrender every minute of every day to Him. I need to put the "I need's" away and start the sentences out with more of a "Thank you Lord for working in me."
"I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." ~Galatians 2:20
Work through me, Lord, in every part of life. To you be all the glory. Amen!
__________________________________________Scripture for today: What a miserable man I am! Who will save me from this body that brings me death? I thank God for saving me through Jesus our Lord! ~Romans 7:24-25
Today's Insight:I am a classical food hider. I've often thought that if no one sees me eating it, no one will know I ate it. I've went through drive-throughs twice to order something that "I forgot." Ordered extra food and an additional drink so it didn't look like it was for me. I've hidden food at home. Hidden the wrappers in the trash... everything you can imagine, I've done. But it shows... it shows in any picture, any visit with a friend and any time I look in a mirror. What did I really think I was hiding other than my bad eating habits?
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