W1-D6 : ...and belligerent

....if she would just listen to me, I could help her out of this. ~God

I have never been a troublemaker. I've never done drugs, never smoked and drank lightly when I was in my mid 20's.  I just didn't want to give up control of my life to any substance.  Food didn't count, because a person had to eat to live... right?

Married at 19, pregnant at 20, Sarah's birth, miscarriage, Kelly's birth, my stepfather died, I was working, we moved, I was fired so we made the decision for me to stay home, we filed bankruptcy, my father-in-law had cancer, the stress of running a one income household, my overworked aging mother, the death of my father-in-law, sister-inlaw & mother-in-law within a 2 year period, my distant sisters, homeschooling pressures, teaching teenagers to drive, graduation, watching my mom go through more pain at the death of her sisters, college years, bad relationships...  And the only thing that really sticks out is people saying "I don't know how you do it. You must be so organized." 

Truth of the matter is...to be organized is to control the situation.  And the more I type this post, the more irritated I become with myself.  I know the reason for the irritation is because the feelings of losing control is rising to the top and I don't like it... oh I don't like it.

This is hard for me.  I've been trying so hard to rewire my own thoughts. Now, I'm trying hard to relenquish control.  I struggle.  I'm a control freak.  I want to be the one in charge.  There... I said it.  It sucks.  It's ugly.  I hate it.  But that's who I have been for so long. 

I fear turning loose of the reigns.  I need to know what's next.  I'm a planner.  I have an organized layout to my food pantry, so anyone can find what they're looking for at any time.   I color code our vacation week time sheet.

But here it is... this is why I'm ridiculous like that.   I've always been afraid to pray for God to take total control of my life.  The fears that swirl in my mind of what he could do, seriously scares the crud out of me.  Why is that?  I don't even know.  He's never hurt me...but you know when people pray that God would bring someone to the bottom so He can be their focus... I don't want to go down there... typing this scares me. 

I know He could force it from me... but I know He's waiting on me to say "here, you take the lead and I'll follow."   So much is to be gained from me letting it go. 

When I started out writing this post, I wasn't even sure what I was going to say.  I sure didn't think it was going to go this way.  "....if she would just listen to me, I could help her out of this." Way too much truth to that statement. 

But I don't know how to go about giving up control.  How do you do that? 

"I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." ~Galatians 2:20

 

Work through me, Lord, in every part of life. To you be all the glory. Amen!

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Today's Scripture:   Do not worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks.  And God's peace, which is so great we cannot understand it, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.  -Philippians 4:6-7